Stories
06-07-2026
Eefje had always known that she wanted children. But the right man to start a family with had not yet come along. She was 35, had a busy social life and didn’t give much thought to her wish to have a child.
“In 2020, during the coronavirus lockdown, my parents decided to give the house a thorough clear-out. They came across some of my childhood toys and asked me: what do you want us to do with them? Throw them away or keep them? That was the first moment I thought: I definitely want to keep these things for my own children, and I started thinking about my wish to have a child. Until then I had always been a busy bee with a hectic social life. I didn’t have a partner and I really wanted children, but did I want to try on my own?
I started sounding out people in my social circle to get a sense of whether I would have support if I decided to become a mother on my own. Once I felt I could build a strong enough safety net around me, I went to my GP for a referral to Nij Clinics. I was using contraception because I had always struggled with an irregular cycle. Once I had stopped, I was able to come in for my intake consultation at the clinic within a month.
Because I wanted to have treatment with donor sperm, I first had a consultation with the psychologist, after which I was able to start. I bought sperm from a Danish donor, enough for six insemination attempts. I was also put on the waiting list for a Dutch donor.
Unfortunately, my menstrual cycle didn’t get going properly. My cycle stayed between 60 and 70 days, which meant I couldn’t start treatment in a natural cycle. Once medication had been used to give me an artificial cycle, my first IUI followed in May 2021.
I found the first IUI treatment nerve-racking. Sadly, the first attempt did not result in a pregnancy. At the second attempt I felt less tense because I knew what to expect. And… I had a positive pregnancy test! When I told my parents, at first they thought it wasn’t true, because they hadn’t expected me to actually go through with my plans. Once the initial shock had worn off, they were overjoyed!
Unfortunately, the scan at 7.5 weeks showed that the pregnancy wasn’t growing properly. At just over 9 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to have the miscarriage induced in hospital, and I lost a lot of blood. After just one weekend of rest I went back to work. I wanted to carry on with everything as much as possible, despite my fertility treatments. It was busy at work during the pandemic and I wanted to keep pushing on. But I discovered it doesn’t work that simply. I should have taken more time to recover, both mentally and physically.
After 3 weeks it turned out that my uterus wasn’t clear and some pregnancy tissue had been left behind, so I had a curettage. I had to put myself first for a while and make sure I had recovered enough to continue with treatment. By the time I started the artificial cycle for my 3rd IUI attempt, the Netherlands was in another coronavirus lockdown and I was struggling with feelings of depression.
I had to get a coronavirus vaccination, which I had doubts about because I had just had another insemination. I went anyway and, two days later, I was actually holding a positive pregnancy test! Once again I was on cloud nine, until I had some bleeding. The bleeding became heavier and the midwife wanted to do a scan. At around the 7th week of pregnancy, the scan showed a miscarriage. Just before Christmas… I spent Christmas with my parents and afterwards simply had to go back to work. After all, the healthcare sector I work in just keeps going. I did agree with my manager that I could do less demanding work and find distraction in training a new colleague.
I started a new treatment full of optimism. There was even a spontaneous ovulation, which gave me a lot of confidence. But the scan also showed a cyst, so I had to wait before starting stimulation. A month later I was allowed to continue, but the medication made me feel so low. In the meantime, I had tests done to look into the recurrent miscarriages.
Through the patient association Freya I also took the course ‘Zorg voor Jezelf’ (Taking care of yourself). How do you take good care of yourself and stay balanced when it’s so easy to lose yourself in your wish for a child and the intensity of the treatments?
After several more IUI attempts I still wasn’t pregnant and I had used up the first 6 attempts with the donor sperm. Even though I had switched medication, I was still having quite a few side effects. Fortunately, the low feelings disappeared, but my asthma symptoms flared up. I was nearly 38 and thought: I’m going on holiday first. I hadn’t been on holiday during the pandemic and I needed something completely different for a while.
After the holiday I started a new IUI attempt with a Dutch donor, full of optimism. But my luteal phase kept getting shorter and extra medication didn’t help. I felt the time pressure mounting and at the end of 2022, after 8 IUI treatments, I switched to ICSI.
My first ICSI attempt was surrounded by turmoil. Things were unsettled at work and I had an increased risk of overstimulation, but unfortunately, after almost 3 weeks of stimulation, fewer and fewer follicles remained.
The day before the egg retrieval I went home from work with a panic attack. It felt like poor preparation for a really important moment. Because the egg retrieval was on a Friday, I let my parents spoil me over the weekend that followed. The next week, 1 embryo was transferred after 3 days. 2 embryos could be frozen. Sadly, the pregnancy test – once again at Christmas – was negative.
When I got back to work I had a talk with the company social worker. There was only one conclusion: I was completely worn out, and I then called in sick. I didn’t work for 2 weeks and afterwards returned very gradually. I decided to exercise more, went to yoga and walked a lot. I noticed that these things helped me cope better mentally and deal better with the disappointments.
Unfortunately, the embryo transfers didn’t result in a pregnancy. Despite that, I began to feel mentally stronger.
After the last embryo had been transferred, I first went on a long skiing weekend in Austria with colleagues. We had only just arrived when my mother called to say that my father had been rushed into hospital. ‘But,’ she said, ‘you stay there and try to relax.’
On the day my father had to undergo emergency surgery, I went for a long walk through the snow. It was 20 degrees, with full sunshine and snow. My father came through his operation well. My fertility journey faded a little into the background, because suddenly something serious had happened to my father and I was brought firmly back down to earth about how unpredictable life can be.
Over the years I have learned: put yourself first. Be self-compassionate and dare to make choices. With a new ICSI round ahead of me, I decided to change things in the stimulation process. Different hormone medication and blood thinners, because I didn’t want to lose another early pregnancy.
This time I had some bleeding after the egg retrieval and had to take it easy for a few days. The embryo transfer was supposed to take place on the Monday, but I didn’t feel well. I deliberately went to Nij Clinics Elsendorp for a check-up only, and the transfer was postponed to day 5. The day before I was allowed to do a pregnancy test, my mother said at dinner: “You’re pregnant!” And sure enough, she was right: a positive test!
Sadly, at 7.5 weeks the scan showed insufficient growth, and at 8.5 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat. I had to go back to the hospital to start medication to induce a miscarriage.
In August 2023 I decided to go to Ghent for a second opinion. My thyroid hormone levels weren’t right, and in Ghent they took an extra biopsy of my uterine tissue. It turned out that some pregnancy tissue from the previous time had been left behind. They also found chronic endometritis. With a clear uterus and thyroid medication, I then focused on my balance again. Through exercise, yoga and consciously making time to relax. For quite a long time I deliberately worked fewer hours, because I really couldn’t manage to work full-time. I wanted to continue with treatment, but in a way I could cope with. Keep doing the things I enjoy. Enjoy life again.
I’m now 39 and I feel the pressure of my age, but I don’t want to rush anything. Over the past few years I’ve learned that my natural way of doing things was like an ‘express train’, but that I had to become a ‘stopping train’. Pausing to reflect on what works, what doesn’t and how to move forward.
Over the past few years I’ve learned a great deal about myself. About my energy and time management. Of course I regularly felt I’d hit rock bottom. At those times I called the
Extra Support consultation line a few times so I could share my story. I also started seeing a psychologist who specialises in fertility treatment.
I now know that my wish to have a child is beyond any doubt, but that I need moments of rest to keep going. And it may sound strange, because I’m still not pregnant, but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this whole journey. I’ve grown as a person, and if I’m lucky enough to become a mum, that’s something I’ll pass on to my child too.”
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